JACKSON PRATT HIATT

A Few Cemetery Pics

2011-02-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures that were taken at the cemetery at the end of 2010. Now that we are living in another country, I really miss being able to visit Jackson's headstone. The Snowflake Cemetery is one of the most peaceful places on earth for me! For now, our visits to the U.S. twice a year will have to be enough.

Family picture October 2010

Lincoln & Kylee

December 2010

Anjane'

December 2010

We love you Jackson!!!

Jackson's 4th Birthday

2010-12-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

Jackson's 4th birthday was on September 13th. The day before his birthday, we released balloons at the cemetery in celebration of Jackson. Unfortunately, one of the balloons popped right after we got there, so we tied the popped balloon to two others, and let Kylee release one herself. Not what I planned, but that is ok. :)

While we were at the cemetery, Lincoln talked with me about his grandpa's conversation with President Hinckley about our situation...and President Hinckley's assurance that Jackson would be ours. We had already received a personal witness of this, but it was so special for us to learn of the prophet's confirmation as well. I love talking with Lincoln about the amazing things that happened to us right after we had Jackson. This was just one of those memories that we will have with us forever.

It was a beautiful day & I loved spending time with my family and remembering how Jackson has touched all of our lives.

Lincoln giving Kylee her balloon to release...

Trying to eat it instead...

Happy birthday Jackson!

Kylee watching the balloons in the sky...

My eternal family...

The few days before this were kind of rough, but Jackson's actual birthday went well. I have two friends who call me every single year on Jackson's birthday and talk with me about him and what happened. It is the most thoughtful thing and makes me feel so loved. This year, I also had three other friends let me know that they were thinking about me on his birthday, plus my sister gave me a sweet gift, and my parents had us over for cake & ice cream to celebrate Jackson.

Jackson's birthdays are hard, but they help me remember everything that I learned on that day, 4 years ago. I became a mother that day, grew so much as a person, and my relationship with Lincoln took on new meaning. I felt pure, Christlike love from so many people around me, and felt their compassion, sympathy, and sadness. It was a very unique, sacred, spiritual time for me.

I miss Jackson more than I can explain, but I am so happy that he gets to be where he is. He's a special little boy and I feel so privileged to be his mother.

A Blog Gift...

2010-08-17T22:47:00.000-07:00

This past Easter, a girl named Michelle (who we've never met) wrote angel baby's names on Easter eggs & took individual pictures for the parents, then posted them on her blog. I was touched that Michelle would think of Jackson & our family in this way. Click here to view the blog that she keeps in memory of her little boy. Thank you Michelle.

Pictures from the Past Year

2010-08-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

Here are our pictures from the past year. Obviously, we still think of Jackson often & we love him. The Snowflake Cemetery is peace on earth for me. I know that most people who lose loved ones, don't consider their loved one's grave the place where they feel closest to them...but I do. Visiting Jackson's grave helps me to remember that I have an angel waiting for me. I am in love with this beautiful place.

Lincoln & Anjane'

August 2009

Linc taking care of Jackson's headstone

August 2009

Kylee's 1st visit to cemetery

September 2009

Our nephew Jayten at Jackson's grave

(They share a birthday)

September 2009

Kylee 3 months old

October 2009

Anjane' & Kylee

October 2009

Kylee with lamb

(Her lamb matches the one that Jackson was buried with)

October 2009

Anjane'

December 2009

Anjane' & Kylee 7 months old

February 2010

Kylee 1 year old

July 2010

Anjane'

July 2010

Joseph Smith's Example

2009-08-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

(Lincoln & I in front of a statue of Joseph & Hyrum Smith at Carthage Jail, July 2008)
While I was pregnant, I found myself going to the Mesa Temple Visitors' Center multiple times, to watch the movie Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration. I love Joseph Smith. I can't believe all of the heartache he went through in his short life here on earth, and how he pushed on and moved forward with an inspiring attitude throughout those hardships.

At the end of my pregnancy with Jackson, I was having some pain under my chest on the left side. The pain wasn't very bad and I wasn't really worried about it...in fact, I felt a little funny even calling the doctor about it. My doctor didn't seem too concerned either, but since I was a few weeks from my due date he wanted me to come in to his office, just to make sure nothing was wrong. I went to see him the morning after the pain started. I went by myself because Lincoln was at work. The nurse checked Jackson's heartbeat...it took her awhile to find it but I wasn't worried. As all pregnant women know, the baby just isn't in a great position sometimes and it takes a little bit longer to find the heartbeat. The nurse found it and said it was a little bit slow, so she would mention that to the doctor. Come to find out, it was my heartbeat she heard...

The doctor came in with a student that was observing. He asked me a few questions about my pain and told me he thought it was just my skin stretching. He then proceeded to check the baby's heartbeat. He wasn't finding the heartbeat right away and said that the baby must just not be cooperating. I told him that the nurse had a hard time finding the heartbeat too. At this point I wasn't even thinking anything could be wrong...after all, the nurse had just heard the heartbeat (or so I thought) a couple minutes before. The doctor still wasn't finding it. I started getting a little nervous. He finally told me not to worry, but that he would be right back. He brought an ultrasound machine with him.

He started the ultrasound and after a few seconds asked, "When did you say was the last time you felt the baby move?" I said "Last night." RIGHT THEN I JUST KNEW. The doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your baby died." Then he handed me his cell phone & said, "Call whoever you need to. Take as much time as you need. I'll be right outside the door if you need me."

The second he left the room I called Lincoln. That was the worst call I've ever made. He was working air conditioning at the time & I could hear his coworkers in the background & knew that he was at a job. I had to tell him right then. I just started crying & said, "Lincoln, I'm at the doctor's and something really bad happened. The baby died." The only thing I remember is him telling me that he was coming to the doctor's office right away & asking if I was ok.

After I hung up the phone, I looked to my left and saw a poster on the wall showing the anatomy of a pregnant woman. On the wall to my right was a poster of the stages of a baby's growth. No thoughts entered my head as I looked at these. I felt numb. Literally the first words that came into my head were "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." That played over & over & over in my head. I knew that Joseph & Emma Smith had lost multiple children and that they had persevered...so that was my goal now.

The things that I love about my experience at the doctor's office are: #1-Heavenly Father knew I needed to see the Joseph Smith video, #2-I'm convinced that I had that pain under my chest so that I could get in right after Jackson had died...when he was born, he looked so much better than he would have if it had been longer, #3-The waiting room was empty when we left the doctor's office. I was the only person there. This doctor is SO busy...I'd never seen his waiting room even close to empty, #4-The office I went to wasn't the office that I'd gone to for the rest of my pregnancy. This was the first time I had been to this office. Because of this I was able to kind of separate the good experiences I had with my pregnancy from the bad., #5-I realized that day how thankful I am for Lincoln & how much I love him. That was an experience that helped us to grow so much & to see each other in an extremely positive light.

Ultimately, this experience helped my testimony of Joseph Smith to grow. I'm amazed at that man and am thankful for the peace and courage that he & Emma have helped me to have. I hope I have the opportunity one day to thank them.

Making Sense of Life

2009-07-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

I wrote on our family blog about how this 4th of July was one of the hardest days I've had since Jackson died. I'm not sure why. All I know is it seemed to come out of nowhere and just left me feeling alone and sad.

These pictures bring a big smile to my face though. I don't know what it is about the cemetery and Jackson's headstone...but they are two of my favorite things.

Life feels confusing sometimes...especially when I'm still not doing "mom" things. I'm still really sad that Jackson is gone, but I'm also starting to feel a huge sense of loss with not being pregnant again. I came so close to being a mom and doing mom things...and then it was gone. I'm not bitter at all, I'm not angry, I'm not confused as to why it happened...I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes! I'm still not able to work because of my health, so it's hard to feel really worthwhile sometimes. I think I need to work harder to gain more direction in my life and to make sure that I always have the Spirit to guide me. The Lord has been so good to me. I wouldn't trade any of this. I've learned so much about the sanctity of women & motherhood and have learned more about Heavenly Father's plan for us to come to earth and gain a body. I could go on & on about the great things I've learned. I guess now I just need to figure out where to go from here...

Time Does Heal

2009-02-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Lincoln & I were talking about how Jackson would be a year younger than the new Sunbeams in our Primary. We can't believe that if he was alive, he would be going into Primary next year! Crazy, I know! It still baffles me that things changed so much for me when Jackson's 2nd bday came. I don't know why...but I feel SO much more comfortable with him being gone now. I love this new place that I'm at in my grief. Time really does help to heal a wounded heart. I'm so thankful for my son. He is constantly teaching me, even though he isn't here. I feel now more than ever that he is a vital part of our family & that he is where he is supposed to be.

Trying To Be Patient

2009-01-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

Jackson,
After you died, Dad & I decided to wait awhile to try to get pregnant again. We wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to grieve this loss, plus we wanted to give my body adequate time to heal from my pregnancy and your birth. I am so glad we waited. We thought we would wait six months or a year, but it ended up being15 months before we felt like we were ready to try again. We didn't want to have another baby just to "replace" you, because we know that's not possible. We don't want our other kids to suffer in any way from your death. Instead, we want to teach them what a miracle you are, and what a positive influence you have been & will continue to be on our family.
We've now been trying to have another baby for 13 months. It took us 14 months to become pregnant with you, so we knew this was a possibility. However, it is so hard for me to deal with the fact that I have absolutely no idea when it will happen again. Sometimes I really don't understand why our road to parenthood is so long. I would love to add to our family & to feel like more of a mother. I know that I am your mother & that I am the only one who holds that role in your life, but it is very hard to not be able to do "motherly" things here on earth right now.
I'm feeling very impatient. I am feeling like I don't have much of a purpose right now. Especially with the way my health has been, I don't feel like I'm succeeding in very many things at all. I want to feel you near. I wish I could hold your hand in mine or see you smile or take you places. I guess that time will come. I miss you baby. I love you.

Headstone

2008-12-05T18:15:00.001-08:00

Lincoln & Aaron unloading the headstone from our truck...I absolutely love that we get to do so much of this ourselves. That is one great thing about having buried Jackson in Snowflake-there aren't nearly as many rules & regulations as there are here in Mesa, which means we are able to be much more involved.

Jarod (our nephew), Lincoln & Dad...measuring and trying to get the headstone just right. I'm thankful for their hard work. Linc's dad & brother Matt worked hard on the foundation for a week before we came with the headstone.

Megan & I...I found a paper the other day at my parents' house that had one of her passwords to an online account on it. The password included the first letter of everyone's names in our family...including Jackson's. I love how she includes him in her life. :)

Megan, Mom & Aaron

We finished just as the sun was setting. This place brings tender feelings to my heart. Isn't is beautiful?

Jackson's headstone...FINISHED! I love it. I could sit and look at it for hours.

My eternal family...I am such a blessed woman. I have a husband who loves me and tries so hard to support me in my trials. I also have a son who is cheering me on from a place much brighter and happier than this one. Heavenly Father has given me so much!

Jackson's 2nd Bday

2008-12-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

A week later we celebrated Jackson's 2nd birthday. It was a hard day for me. It is hard to realize that more and more time is passing, while I still haven't seen my baby since the day we buried him. That day seems like so long ago. The afternoon of his bday, we went to the store and bought two white balloons. The woman who filled the balloons put a blue teddy bear weight on them, without knowing that they were for our little boy. I really liked that. :) Lincoln and I released the balloons in my parents' backyard. It felt like more of a private place than the park or on our little patio in front of our condo. It was a clear day so we could see the balloons in the sky for a few minutes.

Lincoln had to work that night (and had been sleeping before that because he had worked the night before) so I was by myself most of the day. A few of my friends came to visit, which I really appreciated. It is amazing how many people reach out to us at times like this. I went shopping with my mom after Lincoln left for work. Although I don't recommend going shopping when you are feeling sorry for yourself, it did get my mind off things for the most part, and I really enjoyed myself. It was nice for my mom to be willing to spend time doing something that was probably not her favorite or the most convenient at the time.

Since Jackson's 2nd bday I have felt so much more comfortable with where he is right now. It is amazing how much closure laying his headstone & his 2nd bday brought to me. It is a relief, but I also sometimes miss the "milestones" or "significant events" that won't be happening as much now. I love him so much. I can't believe I am so lucky to be this little boy's mother. I know I have said that many times...I just feel that he is a special spirit.

Happy Birthday Jackson

2008-09-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Jackson,

Today, if you were living, you would be 2 years old. Dad & I would have planned a little party for you & I would have been able to pick out some gifts & bake you a birthday cake. Maybe it would have been strawberry cake...that has always been your dad's favorite. I would have held you close & told you how special you are & what a difference you would make in the world. I would have told you what different people you have turned your dad & I into, how you've improved us by giving us the titles of mother & father. I would have made this day about you & the unique role you play in your family. I would have laughed & played & would have gone to bed grateful to have a 2-year-old son. I would have done a lot of things that I am not doing. Our lives would be so different if you were here. I think that I would have felt like I had more purpose & more influence for good. But why tell you what I would have done had you been here? Why not tell you what I am doing now?

Now I am thanking Heavenly Father EVERY DAY (not just on your birthday) that you are mine. I am thanking him for letting me see how much I can love a person, for letting me know that there are certain people who were absolutely meant to be in my life. You are definitely one of those people Jackson. I am trying to tell the world about you, so that they can feel blessed to be a part of your story. I have a stronger testimony of the importance of being sealed in the temple. I have a greater knowledge of what it means to feel people's prayers working in my life. Over & over again, I have been a witness of what it means to "bear one another's burdens" & to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I could list so many people who have demonstrated that perfectly.

I love you. I miss you. Today is technically your birthday (it's almost 3am), but I haven't slept. Yesterday was very hard for me without you here. I tend to panic when your birthday comes because it is one of those days that I just have to face. I can't run away from it. I can't put it in the back of my mind & deal with it later. I can't change what day it is & the reality that I have a son who I've been without for the past two years. Jackson, sometimes it seems like so much longer than that. Sometimes it seems like I haven't seen you in ten years. I don't want to forget any part of you...ever. I feel such a range of emotions. I am feeling discouraged. Yesterday I just sat on the couch and did nothing for periods of time. I just kept thinking that I needed to clean the house & get groceries & do so many other things...but then my brain just kept asking, "Why in the world would you do such a little thing like that when tomorrow is your baby's birthday?" That's all I could think about.

Sometimes I feel lost without you. Sometimes I feel like a huge part of me is missing. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball & cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore...& once in awhile I do. But do you know what Jackson? You also make me feel more whole than I've ever felt in my life. You make me feel more grounded than I've ever been. You can even make me feel like I am the most important person in the world & that you don't want to be without me either. You know the experiences that we've had together. I've heard you & felt you close to me. Not many people get to experience something like that. You help me to have an eternal perspective. You brought out a side of your dad that I didn't know was there, & your death made us stronger & happier to be with each other.

I will be thinking about you all day. I will be thinking about every good thing that has come into my life because of you. I will be setting goals & looking for ways to become a better person & a better mom to you. I know that I can't teach you right now, here on this earth, but I hope that I can become a better mother every day by the way that I live. I know that where you're at, you probably don't care much about birthdays, but I want to wish you a happy 2nd birthday anyway. Remember that I love you & that you can do anything. Remember that Dad loves you & remember how happy he was when you were born. Remember the experiences that we had together in that hospital room 2 years ago, & the way that heaven & earth seemed to meet...& help us to never forget it.

Love you,
Mom

Almost There...

2008-09-03T14:11:00.001-07:00

We were able to go to Snowflake the week before Lincoln started school to pour the foundation for Jackson's headstone. Dad, Matt and Lincoln all worked on it and it turned out well. It's funny that I can get such a feeling of satisfaction from seeing a slab of cement...but it made me really happy to see that his headstone is almost in place.
I'm not sure why it took us 2 years to get his headstone up. Most of it was just because we thought it would be more expensive than it ended up being, and we just kind of moved on to other things. Now I am worried that once the headstone is up, I will feel like there isn't much more that we can do for our little boy.

We will still have his birthdays to celebrate, which will be nice, but this marks the end of our "taking care" of him and his things. All of his baby clothes have been packed up for a long time, his bedroom is full of boxes of our stuff, and we still only have the same pictures to look at that we had from day one. That is a little hard for me to swallow.

I really do know that this is the right thing for Lincoln & I, & that we will have even more joy than we ever thought possible when we see our little boy again. That will make our reunion so much sweeter...because we know what life is like without him here.

I am also worried because in my eyes my little boy is growing up. That probably doesn't make any sense...but as time has gone on, Jackson has grown up to me. Right now (in my mind) he is a week from turning 2 years old. I feel like I know him and what he would be like at that age...but will I feel close to him and feel like I still know him when he would be turning 5...or 10?

I really hope that I can keep my memories of him close to my heart and that I will never ever forget the way that he felt cradled in my arms or the way that I felt when I looked at his daddy giving him his baby blessing. I hope that I never forget the dozens of flowers that were sent to us or the kind words from people that we hadn't talked to in years. I don't want to forget looking in my parents' eyes and seeing the love that they had in their hearts for their first grandchild. I want to always remember Heavenly Father's love and feelings of advice and comfort. I don't want to forget how proud He was of me for handling the situation that I had been dealt, and for looking for the good in it. I will forever be grateful to Him for letting ME be the mother of this INCREDIBLE boy. Most of all, I KNOW that I will never forget Jackson's spirit being in the room all night with us at the hospital. We had our time with him, even though it was shorter than most parents' time with their child. Because of that, we felt feelings for and from Jackson that don't even compare to anything on this earth. And I will never, ever forget that.

Remembering...

2008-05-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I got out Jackson's box & looked through its contents. I haven't done that in months. I love reading the cards that everyone sent when we had him. You would be amazed at how much others served us during this time...I wish I could list everything that was done for us. It was absolutely INCREDIBLE to witness. I felt like people truly helped us to carry our burdens & that they made them lighter. I love looking at the locks of hair that we cut from Jackson's head. He had the cutest curls. The second picture shows the little bracelet that he wore around his ankle in the hospital. The sheep & lamb in the last picture were given to me by Kristen Spuhler. We buried Jackson with a lamb that looked just like this one, & she gave us enough to all have a matching one like his. I also got a mama sheep. I need to find a place to display these in my home...they are really special to me. When I am feeling down I can always get this box out or get his little blanket out & I immediately feel better. It helps me to realize how incredibly blessed I really am.

March 2008

2008-04-02T12:52:00.001-07:00

I was so thankful for the opportunity we had to go to the cemetery this past month to visit Jackson's grave. We hadn't been there since Thanksgiving, when we left a little Christmas wreath for him. When we arrived there this time, there was another little wreath with it and they were secured to a stick with a gold ribbon on it and tied into the ground. I am assuming that Lincoln's aunts did that...it was such a nice gesture and was much appreciated. It was nice to feel like someone was watching out for our little boy and remembering him! Although I often wish he was buried closer to where we live, I am glad we made the choice that we did. The first time I really felt the weight of Jackson's death was when we were trying to decide where to bury him. I was so upset that I would have to make that decision when my body and mind were still recovering from his birth...I didn't feel like I could make the right decision. Lincoln stepped up and took care of the details with the mortuary and the burial. Then we sat down and listed all of the pros and cons of burying him in Mesa or Snowflake. I feel very comfortable with the choice that we made. I love the Snowflake Cemetery because most times when I go I (or Lincoln & I) are the only ones there. It is so open and beautiful and it has a more personal feeling to it. They don't have as many rules or guidelines as far as the headstones go. I like seeing headstones that reflect each person and who they were on this earth, and the way they touched others' lives. I can't wait to pick out Jackson's!!!

Journal

2008-03-02T22:48:00.000-08:00

I won't have many more pictures to post, except on Jackson's birthdays and things like that. I decided to start writing my feelings about him every so often though. I have a journal that I keep and write in on & off. I address the entries to Jackson and tell him about what is going on in our lives. It is so therapeutic! I highly recommend it to anyone who has lost a loved one. I feel like it helps me remember that I am his mother and he is my son, and it strengthens our relationship as such. Lincoln reminded me today that Jackson would be going into nursery in 2 weeks! I really can't believe that. In many ways it seems like we just had him. Lincoln & I both think that Jackson's birth was one of the best experiences, if not THE best experience that we have had in our lives. Heavenly Father has been so merciful to us and has helped us to know that we will see Jackson again. I am in awe when I think of what that one blessing of Jackson being our son has done for us. I will be forever grateful to Him for such a precious little boy. I still miss him but most of the time when I think of Jackson my heart is overflowing with gratitude and love. This has been such a positive experience for us.

Little Reminders

2007-11-19T23:59:00.001-08:00

I love having little reminders in our home of Jackson and the way that he has touched our lives. On Jackson's birthday, our friends Rebeca & Dave sent us this beautiful plaque that says, "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home." Brandon & Christa gave us this Willow Tree statue. It really reminds me of Jackson, because he was wearing a little beanie & was wrapped in a blanket when Lincoln blessed him. I love seeing these things every day and knowing that this little boy is a part of our family forever.

Jackson's 1st Birthday

2007-09-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

We had a really good day on Jackson's birthday. Thanks so much to all of you for your prayers, gifts, letters, and support. I love the quote by President Kimball that says, "God does notice us, and he watches over us, but it is usually through another person that He meets our needs." Heavenly Father is blessing us through all of you. Thanks again for everything!

My parents bought flowers to put on Jackson's grave. We picked sunflowers...they were so bright & fun. They looked perfect on Jackson's little grave.

Cupcakes!

2007-09-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

I wanted to DO something to celebrate Jackson's birthday, so we made cupcakes. I decided on strawberry cake...I figured since that is his dad's favorite kind of cake, then maybe it would have been his as well. :) Since they were pink, I got some sports-themed cupcake wrappers to counteract the "girly" look of them. Hopefully Jackson appreciated that. :) I have to say, my cupcakes didn't turn out looking as good as I'd hoped, but this was my first attempt at making cupcakes. Maybe next time, they will look a little better!

Our eternal family

2007-09-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for our family unit. I feel so privileged that Jackson, Lincoln, & I
have the chance to be together forever. These two boys are the most precious people to me! I am so grateful to have met my husband & son, and I am thankful for the way that they both bless my life.

Mom & Dad at the cemetery

2007-09-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

It was so kind of my parents to drive up to Snowflake to support us on this important day. I love them & am grateful for their good examples and the way that they raised me. I know that Jackson is thankful to have them as his grandparents (& Lincoln's parents as well.) We just sat under a tree and talked for a little while at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

Messages for Jackson

2007-09-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Rebeca, who also had a stillborn baby named Dylan, took balloons to her son's grave on his first birthday. Her & her husband & two kids sent cupcakes and letters "up to heaven" to Dylan. So Lincoln & I decided to send letters "up to heaven" to Jackson as well. My parents, Lincoln & I, and my sister Megan each wrote something. Megan's letter was so sweet. She is truly aware of Jackson being her nephew & the part that he plays in her life. It is so touching for me, as a mother, to see that. Letting go of the balloon with messages to Jackson will be a tradition that Lincoln & I carry on every year with our future children. I really want them to know that they have a brother in heaven waiting for them.

Balloon from Ashley

2007-09-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Ashley Young has been a huge support to me since Jackson died. It's funny, because we were more acquaintances until I had Jackson...now we are good friends. I am grateful that this experience has helped us to become that way. Ashley is one of the most sympathetic and genuine people I know. She brought by a balloon for me to let go of at Jackson's grave, especially from her for Jackson. She constantly reminds me of the fact that I am a mother and that I have little Jackson waiting for me. Thank you so much for helping to bear my burdens Ashley! I love you!

A Picture I Found

2007-08-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

I found this picture last week...it made me pretty emotional. I forgot that I had it. This is obviously me with my positive pregnancy test, showing that I am pregnant with Jackson. Looking at myself in this picture, it seems like I am looking at a different person. When this picture was taken, I had no idea what trials Lincoln & I would face by losing our baby. I also didn't know what an incredible experience we would have giving birth to such a sweet spirit and feeling him so near. I didn't have the ache in my heart that I have now, but I also didn't have the pure love for our little boy that I do now. I am so grateful for Jackson and for the role that he plays in my life. I know he is aware of his family here on earth. I know that he loves me and that I am his mother. I am really sad that I don't get to experience everyday life with Jackson. I often feel like something is missing. Yet Heavenly Father has helped me to keep going & has taught me SO much in the process. This trial has helped Lincoln & I in our relationship as well. When you go through an experience like this together, you never look at your spouse in the same way. I will never be able to put into words the love I felt for & from Lincoln after Jackson died. I am so grateful to have him as my eternal companion and am looking forward to the day when we will be able to be with our sweet son.

Jackson's bedroom

2007-07-06T11:27:00.001-07:00

This is the bedroom that Lincoln painted when I was pregnant with Jackson. The coloring looks kind of weird in this picture...but you get the idea. I saw a picture in a magazine of the vertical stripes and wanted to try it. I LOVE it! We still call it Jackson's room, even though we took his clothes and other stuff out of it. I told Linc that even if we have a girl next, I am keeping the room the way it is and just adding pink accents to it. :) I love going into Jackson's room and being reminded of the excitement we felt getting ready for him to come. While it makes me sad, they are great memories.

2007-06-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

I love to visit the cemetery when we go to Snowflake. It is such a pretty place. Lincoln & I went this past weekend & just sat in the grass by Jackson's burial site and talked. We still don't have a headstone for it...hopefully we will get one soon. Even though I miss him so much, I am really starting to appreciate the fact that Linc & I have a little boy in heaven who loves us & watches us. What a unique blessing that has been for us!

Father's Day

2007-06-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

This was Lincoln's first Father's Day without Jackson. He did remarkably well...the way he handles this trial in his life amazes me! I love Linc & am grateful that I have been able to go through this experience with him. I can't imagine going through it with anyone else. He knows just how to support me and lift me up when I am feeling down. I know that Jackson is proud of him & glad to have Lincoln as his daddy.

Mother's Day

2007-05-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

I have been worrying this week about what Mother's Day will be like for me. My friend sent me this & I thought it was beautiful.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?", and I know I heard him say....
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day- And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other kids and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. '
I miss my Mommy, oh so much but I visit her each day...
when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home; And this is where he'll stay.
He will wait for you with me, until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home; he'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of; right from the very start.

By Jennifer Wasik.

Sunday Will Come

2007-04-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Lincoln & I were reading the talk "Sunday Will Come" by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. It is from the October conference, which was a few weeks after Jackson died. I remember this talk hitting me pretty hard...it is all about death and the resurrection. My favorite part of the talk is when he says, "...death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence." I love that thought!

Poem

2007-04-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, who had a little boy who was stillborn six months before I did, wrote this poem when her son died. It describes my feelings perfectly.

"For almost nine months we waited for you...
Dreaming, and planning and shopping, too.

We looked forward to that special day
When we could bundle you up and carry you away.

But we had to say goodbye before saying hello-
Letting go of our dreams of watching you grow.

Then somehow through the pain and tears
Your spirit came and calmed our fears.

We had never felt such pure love and grace
As we held you in our arms and kissed your sweet face.

Now in your strong arms you'll carry us through
Until that beautiful day when we again hold you.

We will feel such joy as we look in your eyes,
That love and laughter will replace our cries.

And together we'll kneel at Our Savior's feet,
Knowing at last that our family's complete."

My favorite picture

2007-04-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

This is how I remember Jackson. This is our favorite picture of him. We felt his spirit right there in the room for hours. Even though he isn't here, I know him and his personality, I love him, and I know that he has access to me and to our family. I love the times when I feel him near. There isn't a feeling like that in the world. I know he loves me & that I am his mother. I am so lucky to have such a special son who I will someday be able to see again.

Burial in Snowflake

2007-04-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

The Snowflake cemetery is beautiful. We drove Jackson's casket up in the back seat of our car. It was a great experience. Because the casket was so small, Lincoln was able to lower the casket into the ground himself. We buried Jackson next to Lincoln's uncle Reaves who died when he was in his 20's. He never got to have kids of his own, so we felt good about having Jackson & Reaves buried next to eachother. My aunt Elizabeth gave us the flowers to put on the casket & my uncle Chris paid for the casket. We are so blessed! Seriously, I never knew there were so many good Christlike people. We felt such an outpouring of love & prayers, it was incredible. For two weeks after the burial it was like angels were surrounding us and nothing bad could get in. What a huge learning experience this has been! Heavenly Father has blessed us so much!

Jackson with lamb

2007-04-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Jackson's hair looks really red in this picture...I guess he takes after his daddy. It actually didn't look that red in the hospital...I thought it was brown. We buried Jackson holding this little lamb. We have matching lambs & I have a mama sheep. My mom's next-door neighbor gave us these. It was so considerate of her. The blanket that we buried him with was made by Lincoln's sister Wendy. It has a sun on it to symbolize the celestial kingdom. Wendy made it in Flagstaff and Lincoln's cousin Molly drove & met her halfway so that we could have it in time for the burial. So many people served us in so many different ways. Wendy & Molly were incredible, as well as many others. The blanket was white satin, and was the most beautiful blanket I have ever seen.

My mom with Jackson

2007-04-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

I know that my mom will be an awesome grandma to our kids.

Lincoln & I with Jackson

2007-04-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

This was Jackson's viewing. My mom came with us, so it was just the three of us with Jackson. This was a special time where we got to kind of say goodbye to him. We dressed him in the outfit that my two brothers were blessed in. We cut some of his little curls to keep. We also wrote letters to him & included a family picture in two little bags that we laid next to him. I need to get a copy of the picture...it is the only family picture we had taken when I was pregnant with Jackson.

My sweet little boy

2007-04-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

This was taken just before the funeral home came to take Jackson's body to prepare it for burial. I miss him so much and love his sweet spirit. I am so grateful to be his mother.

Jackson's baby blessing

2007-04-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

Jackson's baby blessing was of course not like most others. It took place in the hospital room with both mine & Lincoln's parents and my sister Melissa there, as well as Lincoln & I. Lincoln gave him a name & a beautiful, simple blessing. We named him Jackson Pratt Hiatt. Jackson is Lincoln's grandma's maiden name...she died when Lincoln was younger. We chose Pratt because of Lincoln's relation to Parley P. Pratt, who is his 3rd great grandpa. Lincoln actually got to wear Parley P. Pratt's temple clothes when he & I were married. Pretty amazing. We are both lucky to come from such strong families.

The teardrop

2007-04-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

This sign was placed on my hospital door, signifying a loss. The teardrop represents intense suffering of loss. The leaf is fallen but is upturned and cradling the teardrop, which brings a sense of comfort & hope. Just as seasons change, so do feelings, as Lincoln and I have learned. We have experienced a wide range of emotions, but through it all we have received such intense peace & love that we could never deny that this was the Lord's plan for us and little Jackson.

Hospital pictures

2007-04-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

Before I had Jackson...Lincoln was so supportive and was there by my side the whole time. This was a great time for us. The spirit was so strong & we felt that angels were around us lifting us up.
The next morning, after I delivered Jackson. I rewarded myself with a Banana Cream Pie Shake from Sonic. :)

Pregnancy pictures

2007-04-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Right before Shawn left on his mission at the end of July.

Family Trip

2007-04-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

I already posted this one on my blog, but this is my family with a few extended relatives up in Utah. I was about 6 1/2 months along here.

Nametag

2007-04-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

My little sister Megan put this on my stomach as a nametag for Jackson. We were at a big family reunion and we all had nametags on & she thought that he needed one too. I thought it was really sweet.

Ultrasound pictures

2007-04-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what was up with Jackson, but seriously half the ultrasound pictures that we have of him were of his private parts! This one is looking from underneath again...his feet are on the left. Do you see it now?

It's a boy!

2007-04-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

We thought that this was absolutely hilarious! This is when we found out that Jackson was a boy. Pretty obvious...huh? It looks like he is sitting on a glass table & you are looking up from underneath. He definitely had no shame! :)

His face

2007-04-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

I loved this one, because his profile was so perfect. It looks like he has a cute little button nose in this picture.

2007-04-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

His cute little foot!