Visiting the Cemetery: December 2011

A visit to the cemetery in December 2011:

When we arrived at the cemetery, we found that someone left a rose in front of Jackson's headstone...

And Lincoln's aunts left some flowers behind it...

(Lincoln's aunts do this every year for the family graves. It makes me so happy to see that someone left something there when I couldn't!)

Jarod & Claire came to the cemetery with us and played in the snow...

We planted tulips on Jackson's grave...

Kylee helped too...

The kids performed tricks in the snow for us before we left...

And yes, bending over is one of Kylee's tricks...

Jackson's 5th Birthday

Written in October 2011:
Jackson would have turned five years old this year. His birthdaywas hard for me. It was hard not being around family & friends who went through his death with me. It was hard not being able to visit the cemetery. It was hard realizing that more time has gone by since I saw him & that those memories fade more & more each year. 

However, I know that Jackson's death has helped our family in many ways. It reminds me of what (& who) is truly important, about how much Heavenly Father cares about me, about the power of other people's prayers in our behalf & of the fact that the Lord has a very specific plan for us here on earth. How grateful I am to have learned these lessons!

My sweet friend Verenice invited me over to her house the morning of Jackson's birthday. I've learned by now that being around people on Jackson's birthday is always very helpful. Verenice & I let the kids play together while we watched The Bachelorette finale. Sure, it probably wasn't the best thing to remember Jackson by, but I just wanted to be distracted & it definitely did the trick! :) 

The cute kids hanging out in their diapers...

Verenice & I made cupcakes to celebrate Jackson & took them to my house to share with Linc when he got home from school...

Family picture...

(I'm pretty sure that it was past Kylee's naptime in this pic!)

Verenice: THANK YOU for being so kind, thoughtful, supportive & compassionate. You helped me so much that day!!!

That night, Lincoln & I ended up going to P.F. Chang's with Heather & Josh. It was so good. Then we drove around Mexico like crazy people, made a late-night Walmart run & played Hide & Seek in the Dark at our house. Like I said before, it wasn't the best way to remember Jackson, but it sure did take my mind off things. I hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. 

And now, a note to my little boy:

Dear Jackson, 

I love you & I miss you. You hold such a special place in my heart. You made me a mother. You helped me learn more about grief & heartache & love. You helped give me a stronger testimony of the plan of salvation. You are an amazing person. I will continue to try to live a worthy life here on earth, so that I will be able to be with you again someday! Kylee told me yesterday "Jackson...heaven...missionary." I believe that you are blessing others right now with your sweet personality & strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I sure am blessed to be your mom! Happy 5th birthday.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I'm disappointed that we didn't do the "white balloon" tradition this year, but we will definitely do it again next year!

Visiting the Cemetery: July 2011

Written in July 2011:

We went to the cemetery after church, both Sundays that we were in Snowflake. It felt so great to be in that peaceful place once again with Lincoln & Kylee. The Easter basket that my friend Lindy left by Jackson's headstone was still there. I love watching Kylee at the cemetery. I can't wait for her to get to see her brother one day...

 I really can't believe that Jackson would be turning 5 years old in a few months. My heart honestly aches when I think about it. BUT we are an eternal family & that is what matters most. Those relationships are stronger than death & I'm so grateful to have that knowledge! Visiting the cemetery helps us to refocus on what is important: OUR FAMILY. I'm so thankful that we are able to experience this earthly life with Kylee...

Easter 2011

I realize that I'm extremely sporadic when updating Jackson's blog. Since it's been almost a year & a half since I've updated, I thought it was time!

Written in April 2011:
Last week I started thinking about Jackson a lot and talking about him more often than I usually do. I know that Jackson is where he is supposed to be, & that he is happy & safe. I do wish that I could see him and talk to him though. I just don't know how to be a mother and not feel a void when one of my children is missing from everything that we do. With that being said, I am SO, SO thankful to have the knowledge that I will see him again and that he IS a part of our family, even though he isn't here with us. I love Jackson so much & feel incredibly privileged to be his mother.

I was talking to my friend Lindy a few days ago, and found out that she was in Snowflake visiting her parents. I decided to ask her to go to the cemetery when she was able to, to put a few flowers on Jackson's grave. I've never asked anyone to do that for me, but this is the longest I've gone without being able to go to the cemetery myself, and I won't be able to go for 2 1/2 more months. 

The next day I received these pictures in my inbox from Lindy...

Lindy's daughter Brooklyn is the same age as Jackson would be. This picture made me smile so big. I'd like to think that Brooklyn & Jackson were friends before.

Lindy offered to go to the cemetery again the next day and put a little note on Jackson's grave from us. I tried to find a cute quote & background, but realized that a little note from the heart was better than anything...

It says "Happy Easter Jackson! We love you and are so excited to see you again someday. Love, Mom, Dad & Kylee."

I hope that everyone who went through Jackson's death with us knows how much we appreciate their support & love. I am so thankful to have a friend like Lindy who has so much compassion and understanding. The Easter bouquet that she (& her mom) put together for Jackson is beautiful and the little Easter sign that they made is so sweet. This was one of the best gifts I've ever been given. Thanks so much Lindy!

A Few Cemetery Pics

Here are a few pictures that were taken at the cemetery at the end of 2010. Now that we are living in another country, I really miss being able to visit Jackson's headstone. The Snowflake Cemetery is one of the most peaceful places on earth for me! For now, our visits to the U.S. twice a year will have to be enough. 

 Family picture October 2010

 Lincoln & Kylee

December 2010

Anjane'

December 2010

We love you Jackson!!!

Jackson's 4th Birthday

Jackson's 4th birthday was on September 13th. The day before his birthday, we released balloons at the cemetery in celebration of Jackson. Unfortunately, one of the balloons popped right after we got there, so we tied the popped balloon to two others, and let Kylee release one herself. Not what I planned, but that is ok. :)

While we were at the cemetery, Lincoln talked with me about his grandpa's conversation with President Hinckley about our situation...and President Hinckley's assurance that Jackson would be ours. We had already received a personal witness of this, but it was so special for us to learn of the prophet's confirmation as well. I love talking with Lincoln about the amazing things that happened to us right after we had Jackson. This was just one of those memories that we will have with us forever.

It was a beautiful day & I loved spending time with my family and remembering how Jackson has touched all of our lives.

Lincoln giving Kylee her balloon to release...

Trying to eat it instead...

Happy birthday Jackson!

Kylee watching the balloons in the sky...

My eternal family...

The few days before this were kind of rough, but Jackson's actual birthday went well. I have two friends who call me every single year on Jackson's birthday and talk with me about him and what happened. It is the most thoughtful thing and makes me feel so loved. This year, I also had three other friends let me know that they were thinking about me on his birthday, plus my sister gave me a sweet gift, and my parents had us over for cake & ice cream to celebrate Jackson. 

Jackson's birthdays are hard, but they help me remember everything that I learned on that day, 4 years ago. I became a mother that day, grew so much as a person, and my relationship with Lincoln took on new meaning. I felt pure, Christlike love from so many people around me, and felt their compassion, sympathy, and sadness. It was a very unique, sacred, spiritual time for me. 

I miss Jackson more than I can explain, but I am so happy that he gets to be where he is. He's a special little boy and I feel so privileged to be his mother.

A Blog Gift...

This past Easter, a girl named Michelle (who we've never met) wrote angel baby's names on Easter eggs & took individual pictures for the parents, then posted them on her blog. I was touched that Michelle would think of Jackson & our family in this way. Click here to view the blog that she keeps in memory of her little boy. Thank you Michelle.

Pictures from the Past Year

Here are our pictures from the past year. Obviously, we still think of Jackson often & we love him. The Snowflake Cemetery is peace on earth for me. I know that most people who lose loved ones, don't consider their loved one's grave the place where they feel closest to them...but I do. Visiting Jackson's grave helps me to remember that I have an angel waiting for me. I am in love with this beautiful place.

Lincoln & Anjane'

August 2009

Linc taking care of Jackson's headstone

August 2009

Kylee's 1st visit to cemetery

September 2009

Our nephew Jayten at Jackson's grave

(They share a birthday)

September 2009

Kylee 3 months old

October 2009

Anjane' & Kylee

October 2009

Kylee with lamb

(Her lamb matches the one that Jackson was buried with)

October 2009

Anjane'

December 2009

Anjane' & Kylee 7 months old

February 2010

Kylee 1 year old

July 2010

Anjane'

July 2010

Joseph Smith's Example

(Lincoln & I in front of a statue of Joseph & Hyrum Smith at Carthage Jail, July 2008)
While I was pregnant, I found myself going to the Mesa Temple Visitors' Center multiple times, to watch the movie Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration. I love Joseph Smith. I can't believe all of the heartache he went through in his short life here on earth, and how he pushed on and moved forward with an inspiring attitude throughout those hardships.

At the end of my pregnancy with Jackson, I was having some pain under my chest on the left side. The pain wasn't very bad and I wasn't really worried about it...in fact, I felt a little funny even calling the doctor about it. My doctor didn't seem too concerned either, but since I was a few weeks from my due date he wanted me to come in to his office, just to make sure nothing was wrong. I went to see him the morning after the pain started. I went by myself because Lincoln was at work. The nurse checked Jackson's heartbeat...it took her awhile to find it but I wasn't worried. As all pregnant women know, the baby just isn't in a great position sometimes and it takes a little bit longer to find the heartbeat. The nurse found it and said it was a little bit slow, so she would mention that to the doctor. Come to find out, it was my heartbeat she heard...

The doctor came in with a student that was observing. He asked me a few questions about my pain and told me he thought it was just my skin stretching. He then proceeded to check the baby's heartbeat. He wasn't finding the heartbeat right away and said that the baby must just not be cooperating. I told him that the nurse had a hard time finding the heartbeat too. At this point I wasn't even thinking anything could be wrong...after all, the nurse had just heard the heartbeat (or so I thought) a couple minutes before. The doctor still wasn't finding it. I started getting a little nervous. He finally told me not to worry, but that he would be right back. He brought an ultrasound machine with him.

He started the ultrasound and after a few seconds asked, "When did you say was the last time you felt the baby move?" I said "Last night." RIGHT THEN I JUST KNEW. The doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your baby died." Then he handed me his cell phone & said, "Call whoever you need to. Take as much time as you need. I'll be right outside the door if you need me."

The second he left the room I called Lincoln. That was the worst call I've ever made. He was working air conditioning at the time & I could hear his coworkers in the background & knew that he was at a job. I had to tell him right then. I just started crying & said, "Lincoln, I'm at the doctor's and something really bad happened. The baby died." The only thing I remember is him telling me that he was coming to the doctor's office right away & asking if I was ok.

After I hung up the phone, I looked to my left and saw a poster on the wall showing the anatomy of a pregnant woman. On the wall to my right was a poster of the stages of a baby's growth. No thoughts entered my head as I looked at these. I felt numb. Literally the first words that came into my head were "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." "Joseph Smith & Emma did this. You can do it too." That played over & over & over in my head. I knew that Joseph & Emma Smith had lost multiple children and that they had persevered...so that was my goal now.

The things that I love about my experience at the doctor's office are: #1-Heavenly Father knew I needed to see the Joseph Smith video, #2-I'm convinced that I had that pain under my chest so that I could get in right after Jackson had died...when he was born, he looked so much better than he would have if it had been longer, #3-The waiting room was empty when we left the doctor's office. I was the only person there. This doctor is SO busy...I'd never seen his waiting room even close to empty, #4-The office I went to wasn't the office that I'd gone to for the rest of my pregnancy. This was the first time I had been to this office. Because of this I was able to kind of separate the good experiences I had with my pregnancy from the bad., #5-I realized that day how thankful I am for Lincoln & how much I love him. That was an experience that helped us to grow so much & to see each other in an extremely positive light.

Ultimately, this experience helped my testimony of Joseph Smith to grow. I'm amazed at that man and am thankful for the peace and courage that he & Emma have helped me to have. I hope I have the opportunity one day to thank them.

Making Sense of Life

I wrote on our family blog about how this 4th of July was one of the hardest days I've had since Jackson died. I'm not sure why. All I know is it seemed to come out of nowhere and just left me feeling alone and sad.

These pictures bring a big smile to my face though. I don't know what it is about the cemetery and Jackson's headstone...but they are two of my favorite things.

Life feels confusing sometimes...especially when I'm still not doing "mom" things. I'm still really sad that Jackson is gone, but I'm also starting to feel a huge sense of loss with not being pregnant again. I came so close to being a mom and doing mom things...and then it was gone. I'm not bitter at all, I'm not angry, I'm not confused as to why it happened...I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes! I'm still not able to work because of my health, so it's hard to feel really worthwhile sometimes. I think I need to work harder to gain more direction in my life and to make sure that I always have the Spirit to guide me. The Lord has been so good to me. I wouldn't trade any of this. I've learned so much about the sanctity of women & motherhood and have learned more about Heavenly Father's plan for us to come to earth and gain a body. I could go on & on about the great things I've learned. I guess now I just need to figure out where to go from here...

Time Does Heal

Yesterday Lincoln & I were talking about how Jackson would be a year younger than the new Sunbeams in our Primary. We can't believe that if he was alive, he would be going into Primary next year! Crazy, I know! It still baffles me that things changed so much for me when Jackson's 2nd bday came. I don't know why...but I feel SO much more comfortable with him being gone now. I love this new place that I'm at in my grief. Time really does help to heal a wounded heart. I'm so thankful for my son. He is constantly teaching me, even though he isn't here. I feel now more than ever that he is a vital part of our family & that he is where he is supposed to be.

Trying To Be Patient

Jackson,
After you died, Dad & I decided to wait awhile to try to get pregnant again. We wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to grieve this loss, plus we wanted to give my body adequate time to heal from my pregnancy and your birth. I am so glad we waited. We thought we would wait six months or a year, but it ended up being15 months before we felt like we were ready to try again. We didn't want to have another baby just to "replace" you, because we know that's not possible. We don't want our other kids to suffer in any way from your death. Instead, we want to teach them what a miracle you are, and what a positive influence you have been & will continue to be on our family.
We've now been trying to have another baby for 13 months. It took us 14 months to become pregnant with you, so we knew this was a possibility. However, it is so hard for me to deal with the fact that I have absolutely no idea when it will happen again. Sometimes I really don't understand why our road to parenthood is so long. I would love to add to our family & to feel like more of a mother. I know that I am your mother & that I am the only one who holds that role in your life, but it is very hard to not be able to do "motherly" things here on earth right now.
I'm feeling very impatient. I am feeling like I don't have much of a purpose right now. Especially with the way my health has been, I don't feel like I'm succeeding in very many things at all. I want to feel you near. I wish I could hold your hand in mine or see you smile or take you places. I guess that time will come. I miss you baby. I love you.

Headstone

Lincoln & Aaron unloading the headstone from our truck...I absolutely love that we get to do so much of this ourselves. That is one great thing about having buried Jackson in Snowflake-there aren't nearly as many rules & regulations as there are here in Mesa, which means we are able to be much more involved.

Jarod (our nephew), Lincoln & Dad...measuring and trying to get the headstone just right. I'm thankful for their hard work. Linc's dad & brother Matt worked hard on the foundation for a week before we came with the headstone.

Megan & I...I found a paper the other day at my parents' house that had one of her passwords to an online account on it. The password included the first letter of everyone's names in our family...including Jackson's. I love how she includes him in her life. :)

Megan, Mom & Aaron

We finished just as the sun was setting. This place brings tender feelings to my heart. Isn't is beautiful?

Jackson's headstone...FINISHED! I love it. I could sit and look at it for hours.

My eternal family...I am such a blessed woman. I have a husband who loves me and tries so hard to support me in my trials. I also have a son who is cheering me on from a place much brighter and happier than this one. Heavenly Father has given me so much!

Jackson's 2nd Bday

A week later we celebrated Jackson's 2nd birthday. It was a hard day for me. It is hard to realize that more and more time is passing, while I still haven't seen my baby since the day we buried him. That day seems like so long ago. The afternoon of his bday, we went to the store and bought two white balloons. The woman who filled the balloons put a blue teddy bear weight on them, without knowing that they were for our little boy. I really liked that. :) Lincoln and I released the balloons in my parents' backyard. It felt like more of a private place than the park or on our little patio in front of our condo. It was a clear day so we could see the balloons in the sky for a few minutes.

Lincoln had to work that night (and had been sleeping before that because he had worked the night before) so I was by myself most of the day. A few of my friends came to visit, which I really appreciated. It is amazing how many people reach out to us at times like this. I went shopping with my mom after Lincoln left for work. Although I don't recommend going shopping when you are feeling sorry for yourself, it did get my mind off things for the most part, and I really enjoyed myself. It was nice for my mom to be willing to spend time doing something that was probably not her favorite or the most convenient at the time.

Since Jackson's 2nd bday I have felt so much more comfortable with where he is right now. It is amazing how much closure laying his headstone & his 2nd bday brought to me. It is a relief, but I also sometimes miss the "milestones" or "significant events" that won't be happening as much now. I love him so much. I can't believe I am so lucky to be this little boy's mother. I know I have said that many times...I just feel that he is a special spirit.

Happy Birthday Jackson

Dear Jackson,

Today, if you were living, you would be 2 years old. Dad & I would have planned a little party for you & I would have been able to pick out some gifts & bake you a birthday cake. Maybe it would have been strawberry cake...that has always been your dad's favorite. I would have held you close & told you how special you are & what a difference you would make in the world. I would have told you what different people you have turned your dad & I into, how you've improved us by giving us the titles of mother & father. I would have made this day about you & the unique role you play in your family. I would have laughed & played & would have gone to bed grateful to have a 2-year-old son. I would have done a lot of things that I am not doing. Our lives would be so different if you were here. I think that I would have felt like I had more purpose & more influence for good. But why tell you what I would have done had you been here? Why not tell you what I am doing now?

Now I am thanking Heavenly Father EVERY DAY (not just on your birthday) that you are mine. I am thanking him for letting me see how much I can love a person, for letting me know that there are certain people who were absolutely meant to be in my life. You are definitely one of those people Jackson. I am trying to tell the world about you, so that they can feel blessed to be a part of your story. I have a stronger testimony of the importance of being sealed in the temple. I have a greater knowledge of what it means to feel people's prayers working in my life. Over & over again, I have been a witness of what it means to "bear one another's burdens" & to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I could list so many people who have demonstrated that perfectly.

I love you. I miss you. Today is technically your birthday (it's almost 3am), but I haven't slept. Yesterday was very hard for me without you here. I tend to panic when your birthday comes because it is one of those days that I just have to face. I can't run away from it. I can't put it in the back of my mind & deal with it later. I can't change what day it is & the reality that I have a son who I've been without for the past two years. Jackson, sometimes it seems like so much longer than that. Sometimes it seems like I haven't seen you in ten years. I don't want to forget any part of you...ever. I feel such a range of emotions. I am feeling discouraged. Yesterday I just sat on the couch and did nothing for periods of time. I just kept thinking that I needed to clean the house & get groceries & do so many other things...but then my brain just kept asking, "Why in the world would you do such a little thing like that when tomorrow is your baby's birthday?" That's all I could think about.

Sometimes I feel lost without you. Sometimes I feel like a huge part of me is missing. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball & cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore...& once in awhile I do. But do you know what Jackson? You also make me feel more whole than I've ever felt in my life. You make me feel more grounded than I've ever been. You can even make me feel like I am the most important person in the world & that you don't want to be without me either. You know the experiences that we've had together. I've heard you & felt you close to me. Not many people get to experience something like that. You help me to have an eternal perspective. You brought out a side of your dad that I didn't know was there, & your death made us stronger & happier to be with each other.

I will be thinking about you all day. I will be thinking about every good thing that has come into my life because of you. I will be setting goals & looking for ways to become a better person & a better mom to you. I know that I can't teach you right now, here on this earth, but I hope that I can become a better mother every day by the way that I live. I know that where you're at, you probably don't care much about birthdays, but I want to wish you a happy 2nd birthday anyway. Remember that I love you & that you can do anything. Remember that Dad loves you & remember how happy he was when you were born. Remember the experiences that we had together in that hospital room 2 years ago, & the way that heaven & earth seemed to meet...& help us to never forget it.

Love you,
Mom

Almost There...

We were able to go to Snowflake the week before Lincoln started school to pour the foundation for Jackson's headstone. Dad, Matt and Lincoln all worked on it and it turned out well. It's funny that I can get such a feeling of satisfaction from seeing a slab of cement...but it made me really happy to see that his headstone is almost in place.
I'm not sure why it took us 2 years to get his headstone up. Most of it was just because we thought it would be more expensive than it ended up being, and we just kind of moved on to other things. Now I am worried that once the headstone is up, I will feel like there isn't much more that we can do for our little boy.

We will still have his birthdays to celebrate, which will be nice, but this marks the end of our "taking care" of him and his things. All of his baby clothes have been packed up for a long time, his bedroom is full of boxes of our stuff, and we still only have the same pictures to look at that we had from day one. That is a little hard for me to swallow.

I really do know that this is the right thing for Lincoln & I, & that we will have even more joy than we ever thought possible when we see our little boy again. That will make our reunion so much sweeter...because we know what life is like without him here.

I am also worried because in my eyes my little boy is growing up. That probably doesn't make any sense...but as time has gone on, Jackson has grown up to me. Right now (in my mind) he is a week from turning 2 years old. I feel like I know him and what he would be like at that age...but will I feel close to him and feel like I still know him when he would be turning 5...or 10?

I really hope that I can keep my memories of him close to my heart and that I will never ever forget the way that he felt cradled in my arms or the way that I felt when I looked at his daddy giving him his baby blessing. I hope that I never forget the dozens of flowers that were sent to us or the kind words from people that we hadn't talked to in years. I don't want to forget looking in my parents' eyes and seeing the love that they had in their hearts for their first grandchild. I want to always remember Heavenly Father's love and feelings of advice and comfort. I don't want to forget how proud He was of me for handling the situation that I had been dealt, and for looking for the good in it. I will forever be grateful to Him for letting ME be the mother of this INCREDIBLE boy. Most of all, I KNOW that I will never forget Jackson's spirit being in the room all night with us at the hospital. We had our time with him, even though it was shorter than most parents' time with their child. Because of that, we felt feelings for and from Jackson that don't even compare to anything on this earth. And I will never, ever forget that.