Mom & Dad at the cemetery

It was so kind of my parents to drive up to Snowflake to support us on this important day. I love them & am grateful for their good examples and the way that they raised me. I know that Jackson is thankful to have them as his grandparents (& Lincoln's parents as well.) We just sat under a tree and talked for a little while at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

Messages for Jackson

My dear friend Rebeca, who also had a stillborn baby named Dylan, took balloons to her son's grave on his first birthday. Her & her husband & two kids sent cupcakes and letters "up to heaven" to Dylan. So Lincoln & I decided to send letters "up to heaven" to Jackson as well. My parents, Lincoln & I, and my sister Megan each wrote something. Megan's letter was so sweet. She is truly aware of Jackson being her nephew & the part that he plays in her life. It is so touching for me, as a mother, to see that. Letting go of the balloon with messages to Jackson will be a tradition that Lincoln & I carry on every year with our future children. I really want them to know that they have a brother in heaven waiting for them.

Balloon from Ashley

My friend Ashley Young has been a huge support to me since Jackson died. It's funny, because we were more acquaintances until I had Jackson...now we are good friends. I am grateful that this experience has helped us to become that way. Ashley is one of the most sympathetic and genuine people I know. She brought by a balloon for me to let go of at Jackson's grave, especially from her for Jackson. She constantly reminds me of the fact that I am a mother and that I have little Jackson waiting for me. Thank you so much for helping to bear my burdens Ashley! I love you!

A Picture I Found

I found this picture last week...it made me pretty emotional. I forgot that I had it. This is obviously me with my positive pregnancy test, showing that I am pregnant with Jackson. Looking at myself in this picture, it seems like I am looking at a different person. When this picture was taken, I had no idea what trials Lincoln & I would face by losing our baby. I also didn't know what an incredible experience we would have giving birth to such a sweet spirit and feeling him so near. I didn't have the ache in my heart that I have now, but I also didn't have the pure love for our little boy that I do now. I am so grateful for Jackson and for the role that he plays in my life. I know he is aware of his family here on earth. I know that he loves me and that I am his mother. I am really sad that I don't get to experience everyday life with Jackson. I often feel like something is missing. Yet Heavenly Father has helped me to keep going & has taught me SO much in the process. This trial has helped Lincoln & I in our relationship as well. When you go through an experience like this together, you never look at your spouse in the same way. I will never be able to put into words the love I felt for & from Lincoln after Jackson died. I am so grateful to have him as my eternal companion and am looking forward to the day when we will be able to be with our sweet son.

Jackson's bedroom

This is the bedroom that Lincoln painted when I was pregnant with Jackson. The coloring looks kind of weird in this picture...but you get the idea. I saw a picture in a magazine of the vertical stripes and wanted to try it. I LOVE it! We still call it Jackson's room, even though we took his clothes and other stuff out of it. I told Linc that even if we have a girl next, I am keeping the room the way it is and just adding pink accents to it. :) I love going into Jackson's room and being reminded of the excitement we felt getting ready for him to come. While it makes me sad, they are great memories.

I love to visit the cemetery when we go to Snowflake. It is such a pretty place. Lincoln & I went this past weekend & just sat in the grass by Jackson's burial site and talked. We still don't have a headstone for it...hopefully we will get one soon. Even though I miss him so much, I am really starting to appreciate the fact that Linc & I have a little boy in heaven who loves us & watches us. What a unique blessing that has been for us!

Father's Day

This was Lincoln's first Father's Day without Jackson. He did remarkably well...the way he handles this trial in his life amazes me! I love Linc & am grateful that I have been able to go through this experience with him. I can't imagine going through it with anyone else. He knows just how to support me and lift me up when I am feeling down. I know that Jackson is proud of him & glad to have Lincoln as his daddy.