Remembering...

A few nights ago I got out Jackson's box & looked through its contents. I haven't done that in months. I love reading the cards that everyone sent when we had him. You would be amazed at how much others served us during this time...I wish I could list everything that was done for us. It was absolutely INCREDIBLE to witness. I felt like people truly helped us to carry our burdens & that they made them lighter. I love looking at the locks of hair that we cut from Jackson's head. He had the cutest curls. The second picture shows the little bracelet that he wore around his ankle in the hospital. The sheep & lamb in the last picture were given to me by Kristen Spuhler. We buried Jackson with a lamb that looked just like this one, & she gave us enough to all have a matching one like his. I also got a mama sheep. I need to find a place to display these in my home...they are really special to me. When I am feeling down I can always get this box out or get his little blanket out & I immediately feel better. It helps me to realize how incredibly blessed I really am.

March 2008

I was so thankful for the opportunity we had to go to the cemetery this past month to visit Jackson's grave. We hadn't been there since Thanksgiving, when we left a little Christmas wreath for him. When we arrived there this time, there was another little wreath with it and they were secured to a stick with a gold ribbon on it and tied into the ground. I am assuming that Lincoln's aunts did that...it was such a nice gesture and was much appreciated. It was nice to feel like someone was watching out for our little boy and remembering him! Although I often wish he was buried closer to where we live, I am glad we made the choice that we did. The first time I really felt the weight of Jackson's death was when we were trying to decide where to bury him. I was so upset that I would have to make that decision when my body and mind were still recovering from his birth...I didn't feel like I could make the right decision. Lincoln stepped up and took care of the details with the mortuary and the burial. Then we sat down and listed all of the pros and cons of burying him in Mesa or Snowflake. I feel very comfortable with the choice that we made. I love the Snowflake Cemetery because most times when I go I (or Lincoln & I) are the only ones there. It is so open and beautiful and it has a more personal feeling to it. They don't have as many rules or guidelines as far as the headstones go. I like seeing headstones that reflect each person and who they were on this earth, and the way they touched others' lives. I can't wait to pick out Jackson's!!!

Journal

I won't have many more pictures to post, except on Jackson's birthdays and things like that. I decided to start writing my feelings about him every so often though. I have a journal that I keep and write in on & off. I address the entries to Jackson and tell him about what is going on in our lives. It is so therapeutic! I highly recommend it to anyone who has lost a loved one. I feel like it helps me remember that I am his mother and he is my son, and it strengthens our relationship as such. Lincoln reminded me today that Jackson would be going into nursery in 2 weeks! I really can't believe that. In many ways it seems like we just had him. Lincoln & I both think that Jackson's birth was one of the best experiences, if not THE best experience that we have had in our lives. Heavenly Father has been so merciful to us and has helped us to know that we will see Jackson again. I am in awe when I think of what that one blessing of Jackson being our son has done for us. I will be forever grateful to Him for such a precious little boy. I still miss him but most of the time when I think of Jackson my heart is overflowing with gratitude and love. This has been such a positive experience for us.

Little Reminders

I love having little reminders in our home of Jackson and the way that he has touched our lives. On Jackson's birthday, our friends Rebeca & Dave sent us this beautiful plaque that says, "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home." Brandon & Christa gave us this Willow Tree statue. It really reminds me of Jackson, because he was wearing a little beanie & was wrapped in a blanket when Lincoln blessed him. I love seeing these things every day and knowing that this little boy is a part of our family forever.

Jackson's 1st Birthday

We had a really good day on Jackson's birthday. Thanks so much to all of you for your prayers, gifts, letters, and support. I love the quote by President Kimball that says, "God does notice us, and he watches over us, but it is usually through another person that He meets our needs." Heavenly Father is blessing us through all of you. Thanks again for everything!

My parents bought flowers to put on Jackson's grave. We picked sunflowers...they were so bright & fun. They looked perfect on Jackson's little grave.

Cupcakes!

I wanted to DO something to celebrate Jackson's birthday, so we made cupcakes. I decided on strawberry cake...I figured since that is his dad's favorite kind of cake, then maybe it would have been his as well. :) Since they were pink, I got some sports-themed cupcake wrappers to counteract the "girly" look of them. Hopefully Jackson appreciated that. :) I have to say, my cupcakes didn't turn out looking as good as I'd hoped, but this was my first attempt at making cupcakes. Maybe next time, they will look a little better!

Our eternal family

I am so thankful for our family unit. I feel so privileged that Jackson, Lincoln, & I
have the chance to be together forever. These two boys are the most precious people to me! I am so grateful to have met my husband & son, and I am thankful for the way that they both bless my life.