Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Trying To Be Patient

After you died, Dad & I decided to wait awhile to try to get pregnant again. We wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to grieve this loss, plus we wanted to give my body adequate time to heal from my pregnancy and your birth. I am so glad we waited. We thought we would wait six months or a year, but it ended up being15 months before we felt like we were ready to try again. We didn't want to have another baby just to "replace" you, because we know that's not possible. We don't want our other kids to suffer in any way from your death. Instead, we want to teach them what a miracle you are, and what a positive influence you have been & will continue to be on our family.
We've now been trying to have another baby for 13 months. It took us 14 months to become pregnant with you, so we knew this was a possibility. However, it is so hard for me to deal with the fact that I have absolutely no idea when it will happen again. Sometimes I really don't understand why our road to parenthood is so long. I would love to add to our family & to feel like more of a mother. I know that I am your mother & that I am the only one who holds that role in your life, but it is very hard to not be able to do "motherly" things here on earth right now.
I'm feeling very impatient. I am feeling like I don't have much of a purpose right now. Especially with the way my health has been, I don't feel like I'm succeeding in very many things at all. I want to feel you near. I wish I could hold your hand in mine or see you smile or take you places. I guess that time will come. I miss you baby. I love you.