Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Making Sense of Life

I wrote on our family blog about how this 4th of July was one of the hardest days I've had since Jackson died. I'm not sure why. All I know is it seemed to come out of nowhere and just left me feeling alone and sad.

These pictures bring a big smile to my face though. I don't know what it is about the cemetery and Jackson's headstone...but they are two of my favorite things.

Life feels confusing sometimes...especially when I'm still not doing "mom" things. I'm still really sad that Jackson is gone, but I'm also starting to feel a huge sense of loss with not being pregnant again. I came so close to being a mom and doing mom things...and then it was gone. I'm not bitter at all, I'm not angry, I'm not confused as to why it happened...I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes! I'm still not able to work because of my health, so it's hard to feel really worthwhile sometimes. I think I need to work harder to gain more direction in my life and to make sure that I always have the Spirit to guide me. The Lord has been so good to me. I wouldn't trade any of this. I've learned so much about the sanctity of women & motherhood and have learned more about Heavenly Father's plan for us to come to earth and gain a body. I could go on & on about the great things I've learned. I guess now I just need to figure out where to go from here...