These pictures bring a big smile to my face though. I don't know what it is about the cemetery and Jackson's headstone...but they are two of my favorite things.
Life feels confusing sometimes...especially when I'm still not doing "mom" things. I'm still really sad that Jackson is gone, but I'm also starting to feel a huge sense of loss with not being pregnant again. I came so close to being a mom and doing mom things...and then it was gone. I'm not bitter at all, I'm not angry, I'm not confused as to why it happened...I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes! I'm still not able to work because of my health, so it's hard to feel really worthwhile sometimes. I think I need to work harder to gain more direction in my life and to make sure that I always have the Spirit to guide me. The Lord has been so good to me. I wouldn't trade any of this. I've learned so much about the sanctity of women & motherhood and have learned more about Heavenly Father's plan for us to come to earth and gain a body. I could go on & on about the great things I've learned. I guess now I just need to figure out where to go from here...
3 comments:
I can imagine all that waiting and wondering what to do. Its so hard when we are here on this earth to be mothers and bare children. I hope your time comes again soon and that your health gets better so you can do things and have another baby. I too feel peace at the cemetery where Harry is buried. There are certain days I miss him more than ever. Thinking about you.
I feel so many of these exact same feelings. After we lost our girls, I felt like there must have been some really good reason for it and figured the Lord would make it known to me right away. If I wasn't meant to be a mother right now, then there must be some other equally important purpose to fulfill. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that or maybe I'm looking past what He's wanting me to do with my life right now. But, I totally know that feeling of not knowing how to find joy and satisfaction when the pathway isn't made clear, and especially when nothing even compares to the desire to be a mom.
Thanks for the comment you left the other day on our blog... it's really comforting to read your experiences and know I'm not alone in my loss, or in this long and painful struggle to realize motherhood. I just want you to know what a relief it has been to find someone else who is in a similar situation. Hopefully the end of this trial is coming to an end for both of us soon.
I had a really rough 4th as well. Your son is beautiful. I hope that you recieve peace and comfort in knowing your little man is not too far away.
Rylie
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