I love to visit the cemetery when we go to Snowflake. It is such a pretty place. Lincoln & I went this past weekend & just sat in the grass by Jackson's burial site and talked. We still don't have a headstone for it...hopefully we will get one soon. Even though I miss him so much, I am really starting to appreciate the fact that Linc & I have a little boy in heaven who loves us & watches us. What a unique blessing that has been for us!

Father's Day

This was Lincoln's first Father's Day without Jackson. He did remarkably well...the way he handles this trial in his life amazes me! I love Linc & am grateful that I have been able to go through this experience with him. I can't imagine going through it with anyone else. He knows just how to support me and lift me up when I am feeling down. I know that Jackson is proud of him & glad to have Lincoln as his daddy.

Mother's Day

I have been worrying this week about what Mother's Day will be like for me. My friend sent me this & I thought it was beautiful.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?", and I know I heard him say....
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day- And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other kids and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. '
I miss my Mommy, oh so much but I visit her each day...
when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home; And this is where he'll stay.
He will wait for you with me, until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home; he'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of; right from the very start.

By Jennifer Wasik.

Sunday Will Come

Lincoln & I were reading the talk "Sunday Will Come" by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. It is from the October conference, which was a few weeks after Jackson died. I remember this talk hitting me pretty hard...it is all about death and the resurrection. My favorite part of the talk is when he says, "...death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence." I love that thought!

Poem

My dear friend, who had a little boy who was stillborn six months before I did, wrote this poem when her son died. It describes my feelings perfectly.

"For almost nine months we waited for you...
Dreaming, and planning and shopping, too.

We looked forward to that special day
When we could bundle you up and carry you away.

But we had to say goodbye before saying hello-
Letting go of our dreams of watching you grow.

Then somehow through the pain and tears
Your spirit came and calmed our fears.

We had never felt such pure love and grace
As we held you in our arms and kissed your sweet face.

Now in your strong arms you'll carry us through
Until that beautiful day when we again hold you.

We will feel such joy as we look in your eyes,
That love and laughter will replace our cries.

And together we'll kneel at Our Savior's feet,
Knowing at last that our family's complete."

My favorite picture

This is how I remember Jackson. This is our favorite picture of him. We felt his spirit right there in the room for hours. Even though he isn't here, I know him and his personality, I love him, and I know that he has access to me and to our family. I love the times when I feel him near. There isn't a feeling like that in the world. I know he loves me & that I am his mother. I am so lucky to have such a special son who I will someday be able to see again.

Burial in Snowflake

The Snowflake cemetery is beautiful. We drove Jackson's casket up in the back seat of our car. It was a great experience. Because the casket was so small, Lincoln was able to lower the casket into the ground himself. We buried Jackson next to Lincoln's uncle Reaves who died when he was in his 20's. He never got to have kids of his own, so we felt good about having Jackson & Reaves buried next to eachother. My aunt Elizabeth gave us the flowers to put on the casket & my uncle Chris paid for the casket. We are so blessed! Seriously, I never knew there were so many good Christlike people. We felt such an outpouring of love & prayers, it was incredible. For two weeks after the burial it was like angels were surrounding us and nothing bad could get in. What a huge learning experience this has been! Heavenly Father has blessed us so much!