Little Reminders

I love having little reminders in our home of Jackson and the way that he has touched our lives. On Jackson's birthday, our friends Rebeca & Dave sent us this beautiful plaque that says, "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home." Brandon & Christa gave us this Willow Tree statue. It really reminds me of Jackson, because he was wearing a little beanie & was wrapped in a blanket when Lincoln blessed him. I love seeing these things every day and knowing that this little boy is a part of our family forever.

Jackson's 1st Birthday

We had a really good day on Jackson's birthday. Thanks so much to all of you for your prayers, gifts, letters, and support. I love the quote by President Kimball that says, "God does notice us, and he watches over us, but it is usually through another person that He meets our needs." Heavenly Father is blessing us through all of you. Thanks again for everything!

My parents bought flowers to put on Jackson's grave. We picked sunflowers...they were so bright & fun. They looked perfect on Jackson's little grave.

Cupcakes!

I wanted to DO something to celebrate Jackson's birthday, so we made cupcakes. I decided on strawberry cake...I figured since that is his dad's favorite kind of cake, then maybe it would have been his as well. :) Since they were pink, I got some sports-themed cupcake wrappers to counteract the "girly" look of them. Hopefully Jackson appreciated that. :) I have to say, my cupcakes didn't turn out looking as good as I'd hoped, but this was my first attempt at making cupcakes. Maybe next time, they will look a little better!

Our eternal family

I am so thankful for our family unit. I feel so privileged that Jackson, Lincoln, & I
have the chance to be together forever. These two boys are the most precious people to me! I am so grateful to have met my husband & son, and I am thankful for the way that they both bless my life.

Mom & Dad at the cemetery

It was so kind of my parents to drive up to Snowflake to support us on this important day. I love them & am grateful for their good examples and the way that they raised me. I know that Jackson is thankful to have them as his grandparents (& Lincoln's parents as well.) We just sat under a tree and talked for a little while at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

Messages for Jackson

My dear friend Rebeca, who also had a stillborn baby named Dylan, took balloons to her son's grave on his first birthday. Her & her husband & two kids sent cupcakes and letters "up to heaven" to Dylan. So Lincoln & I decided to send letters "up to heaven" to Jackson as well. My parents, Lincoln & I, and my sister Megan each wrote something. Megan's letter was so sweet. She is truly aware of Jackson being her nephew & the part that he plays in her life. It is so touching for me, as a mother, to see that. Letting go of the balloon with messages to Jackson will be a tradition that Lincoln & I carry on every year with our future children. I really want them to know that they have a brother in heaven waiting for them.

Balloon from Ashley

My friend Ashley Young has been a huge support to me since Jackson died. It's funny, because we were more acquaintances until I had Jackson...now we are good friends. I am grateful that this experience has helped us to become that way. Ashley is one of the most sympathetic and genuine people I know. She brought by a balloon for me to let go of at Jackson's grave, especially from her for Jackson. She constantly reminds me of the fact that I am a mother and that I have little Jackson waiting for me. Thank you so much for helping to bear my burdens Ashley! I love you!

A Picture I Found

I found this picture last week...it made me pretty emotional. I forgot that I had it. This is obviously me with my positive pregnancy test, showing that I am pregnant with Jackson. Looking at myself in this picture, it seems like I am looking at a different person. When this picture was taken, I had no idea what trials Lincoln & I would face by losing our baby. I also didn't know what an incredible experience we would have giving birth to such a sweet spirit and feeling him so near. I didn't have the ache in my heart that I have now, but I also didn't have the pure love for our little boy that I do now. I am so grateful for Jackson and for the role that he plays in my life. I know he is aware of his family here on earth. I know that he loves me and that I am his mother. I am really sad that I don't get to experience everyday life with Jackson. I often feel like something is missing. Yet Heavenly Father has helped me to keep going & has taught me SO much in the process. This trial has helped Lincoln & I in our relationship as well. When you go through an experience like this together, you never look at your spouse in the same way. I will never be able to put into words the love I felt for & from Lincoln after Jackson died. I am so grateful to have him as my eternal companion and am looking forward to the day when we will be able to be with our sweet son.

Jackson's bedroom

This is the bedroom that Lincoln painted when I was pregnant with Jackson. The coloring looks kind of weird in this picture...but you get the idea. I saw a picture in a magazine of the vertical stripes and wanted to try it. I LOVE it! We still call it Jackson's room, even though we took his clothes and other stuff out of it. I told Linc that even if we have a girl next, I am keeping the room the way it is and just adding pink accents to it. :) I love going into Jackson's room and being reminded of the excitement we felt getting ready for him to come. While it makes me sad, they are great memories.

I love to visit the cemetery when we go to Snowflake. It is such a pretty place. Lincoln & I went this past weekend & just sat in the grass by Jackson's burial site and talked. We still don't have a headstone for it...hopefully we will get one soon. Even though I miss him so much, I am really starting to appreciate the fact that Linc & I have a little boy in heaven who loves us & watches us. What a unique blessing that has been for us!

Father's Day

This was Lincoln's first Father's Day without Jackson. He did remarkably well...the way he handles this trial in his life amazes me! I love Linc & am grateful that I have been able to go through this experience with him. I can't imagine going through it with anyone else. He knows just how to support me and lift me up when I am feeling down. I know that Jackson is proud of him & glad to have Lincoln as his daddy.

Mother's Day

I have been worrying this week about what Mother's Day will be like for me. My friend sent me this & I thought it was beautiful.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?", and I know I heard him say....
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day- And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other kids and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. '
I miss my Mommy, oh so much but I visit her each day...
when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home; And this is where he'll stay.
He will wait for you with me, until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home; he'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of; right from the very start.

By Jennifer Wasik.

Sunday Will Come

Lincoln & I were reading the talk "Sunday Will Come" by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. It is from the October conference, which was a few weeks after Jackson died. I remember this talk hitting me pretty hard...it is all about death and the resurrection. My favorite part of the talk is when he says, "...death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence." I love that thought!

Poem

My dear friend, who had a little boy who was stillborn six months before I did, wrote this poem when her son died. It describes my feelings perfectly.

"For almost nine months we waited for you...
Dreaming, and planning and shopping, too.

We looked forward to that special day
When we could bundle you up and carry you away.

But we had to say goodbye before saying hello-
Letting go of our dreams of watching you grow.

Then somehow through the pain and tears
Your spirit came and calmed our fears.

We had never felt such pure love and grace
As we held you in our arms and kissed your sweet face.

Now in your strong arms you'll carry us through
Until that beautiful day when we again hold you.

We will feel such joy as we look in your eyes,
That love and laughter will replace our cries.

And together we'll kneel at Our Savior's feet,
Knowing at last that our family's complete."

My favorite picture

This is how I remember Jackson. This is our favorite picture of him. We felt his spirit right there in the room for hours. Even though he isn't here, I know him and his personality, I love him, and I know that he has access to me and to our family. I love the times when I feel him near. There isn't a feeling like that in the world. I know he loves me & that I am his mother. I am so lucky to have such a special son who I will someday be able to see again.

Burial in Snowflake

The Snowflake cemetery is beautiful. We drove Jackson's casket up in the back seat of our car. It was a great experience. Because the casket was so small, Lincoln was able to lower the casket into the ground himself. We buried Jackson next to Lincoln's uncle Reaves who died when he was in his 20's. He never got to have kids of his own, so we felt good about having Jackson & Reaves buried next to eachother. My aunt Elizabeth gave us the flowers to put on the casket & my uncle Chris paid for the casket. We are so blessed! Seriously, I never knew there were so many good Christlike people. We felt such an outpouring of love & prayers, it was incredible. For two weeks after the burial it was like angels were surrounding us and nothing bad could get in. What a huge learning experience this has been! Heavenly Father has blessed us so much!

Jackson with lamb

Jackson's hair looks really red in this picture...I guess he takes after his daddy. It actually didn't look that red in the hospital...I thought it was brown. We buried Jackson holding this little lamb. We have matching lambs & I have a mama sheep. My mom's next-door neighbor gave us these. It was so considerate of her. The blanket that we buried him with was made by Lincoln's sister Wendy. It has a sun on it to symbolize the celestial kingdom. Wendy made it in Flagstaff and Lincoln's cousin Molly drove & met her halfway so that we could have it in time for the burial. So many people served us in so many different ways. Wendy & Molly were incredible, as well as many others. The blanket was white satin, and was the most beautiful blanket I have ever seen.

My mom with Jackson

I know that my mom will be an awesome grandma to our kids.

Lincoln & I with Jackson

This was Jackson's viewing. My mom came with us, so it was just the three of us with Jackson. This was a special time where we got to kind of say goodbye to him. We dressed him in the outfit that my two brothers were blessed in. We cut some of his little curls to keep. We also wrote letters to him & included a family picture in two little bags that we laid next to him. I need to get a copy of the picture...it is the only family picture we had taken when I was pregnant with Jackson.

My sweet little boy

This was taken just before the funeral home came to take Jackson's body to prepare it for burial. I miss him so much and love his sweet spirit. I am so grateful to be his mother.

Jackson's baby blessing

Jackson's baby blessing was of course not like most others. It took place in the hospital room with both mine & Lincoln's parents and my sister Melissa there, as well as Lincoln & I. Lincoln gave him a name & a beautiful, simple blessing. We named him Jackson Pratt Hiatt. Jackson is Lincoln's grandma's maiden name...she died when Lincoln was younger. We chose Pratt because of Lincoln's relation to Parley P. Pratt, who is his 3rd great grandpa. Lincoln actually got to wear Parley P. Pratt's temple clothes when he & I were married. Pretty amazing. We are both lucky to come from such strong families.

The teardrop

This sign was placed on my hospital door, signifying a loss. The teardrop represents intense suffering of loss. The leaf is fallen but is upturned and cradling the teardrop, which brings a sense of comfort & hope. Just as seasons change, so do feelings, as Lincoln and I have learned. We have experienced a wide range of emotions, but through it all we have received such intense peace & love that we could never deny that this was the Lord's plan for us and little Jackson.

Hospital pictures

Before I had Jackson...Lincoln was so supportive and was there by my side the whole time. This was a great time for us. The spirit was so strong & we felt that angels were around us lifting us up.
The next morning, after I delivered Jackson. I rewarded myself with a Banana Cream Pie Shake from Sonic. :)

Pregnancy pictures

Right before Shawn left on his mission at the end of July.

Family Trip

I already posted this one on my blog, but this is my family with a few extended relatives up in Utah. I was about 6 1/2 months along here.

Nametag

My little sister Megan put this on my stomach as a nametag for Jackson. We were at a big family reunion and we all had nametags on & she thought that he needed one too. I thought it was really sweet.

Ultrasound pictures

I don't know what was up with Jackson, but seriously half the ultrasound pictures that we have of him were of his private parts! This one is looking from underneath again...his feet are on the left. Do you see it now?

It's a boy!

We thought that this was absolutely hilarious! This is when we found out that Jackson was a boy. Pretty obvious...huh? It looks like he is sitting on a glass table & you are looking up from underneath. He definitely had no shame! :)

His face

I loved this one, because his profile was so perfect. It looks like he has a cute little button nose in this picture.

His cute little foot!